When the Universe Takes Your Temperature, You Feel It... OR Bedside Confessions from the Cardboard Coffin
Greetings, friends.
I know, I know... It's been awhile since we've chatted. I hope you are all safe, healthy, and well. And if not, I hope you will be soon. What a strange and scary and terrible year, huh? I'm glad we are all still here, alive and pushing through. This year has taken a lot from many; jobs, stability, homes, food, even life itself.
Before we go any further, I want to send my condolences, for what they are worth, to those who have lost family and friends this year. There is no greater suffering in this world than losing the ones we love and having to carry on without them. I am so very sorry and even though there is nothing anyone can say or do to bring them back (which is what we really want.) I know things may not get better for you, but I truly hope that in time, they will get lighter. Loss is a burden we always carry. I'd also like to offer my ear, albeit a digital one, for those who are in need to talk about their feelings about their loss. You can DM me at my Instagram (@lwpillustration.) Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on in these times, and an ear to listen to their sorrows. If you don't have anyone to talk to about it, you can talk to me. Seriously, I mean it.
Admittedly, this time alone in my space this past year has also given me plenty of time to think and reflect about myself, my priorities, my goals, my values, and my purpose. Though sometimes maddening, lol, a lot of space and time to reflect inwardly can be quite a welcomed gift, indeed. I know I talk a lot about the move to NYC (I don't mean to sound like a broken record), but it was a big change in my life and this year has given me both space and time to process the many changes I made in my life in such a short period of time. I didn't know that I needed that. "You'll get what you need." sing The Rolling Stones and I think this year has been giving us that( whether we want it or not.) I'm still on that/this ride. I'm still making changes toward these goals I had set for myself then. I feel like one of the gifts that this year has given me is a chance to refine those goals, priorities, and values. It's really shown me what I actually need and what I really don't: what I can live without and It's given me a more magnified glimpse into what I actually want for myself in terms of life, love, career, happiness, fulfillment, health. I felt like the ant under the magnifying glass; running to stay ahead of a lazer hot hyper-focused sunbeam that could vaporize me and, simultaneously, trying to figure out not only where I am at, but where I am going. It's a rat-race for sure, but with ants, so an ant-race. I'm grateful for it though. That's another thing this year has been teaching me a lot more of... Gratitude. I have been daily thanking the universe(or whatever is out there larger than ourselves) for everything, even the hard/tough lessons. I'm grateful. (not that I previously wasn't but I am more hyper-aware of it.)
An aside: I'm keen on this ant analogy for the human race right now because this heinous virus, that has been taking so many lives, has made me realize how small we really are in comparison to the world, planet, and universe that surrounds us. It makes me realize that we are not only more connected to each other than we'd care to admit, but also connected to this planet we live on in a way we have been ignoring for centuries. We are like ants.
So, I've been continuing to make a lot of changes this year and plan to make many more involving a change in the path of my career. I know, I know. I've BEEN talking about it forever and ever, but I am now at that particular crossroads where I am quite literally stepping onto the new road and making that shift in direction. It is both quite exciting, but also quite scary. I've been playing see-saw with my own anxiety for the past several months as I began this new transition. It's also kept me quite busy. like... really really really really busy. A new shift in employment and how I'll be working and who Ill be working for is all completely moving right now. They are like individual mirrors and panes of glass, but instead of being still as they might be in a funhouse, it's really more like they were attached to a great carousel and rotating in place while riding on the carousel which is also moving and turning and zigzagging in free space. Nothing is stationary or stable at all and that can make one very anxious on one side and can be very exhilarating and liberating and exciting on the other side. And I have been see-sawing back and forth (internally) for many many weeks now.
It's quite exhausting.
If this wasn't enough change to be getting on with at one time, I also just recently moved to a new apartment and a new neighborhood in New York City. Though I'm very excited and happy with this new change and very happy and excited to be living alone again, the additional tasks and stress and anxiety that come with moving (i.e. apartment hunting, carving out time to go look at apartments, weighing out all the options, figuring out the moving date, organizing and lining up movers, making sure all the maintenance is completed at the new apartment, doing minor repairs and cleaning at the old apartment, packing, organizing, sorting, assessing then moving, then unpacking, then re-sorting, then re-assessing, etc.) The tasks related to moving are really a carousel of sliding mirrors all in and of itself, and I decided it was a great idea to try and do all of these things at once. A super-duper-insane juggler ant. That's me.
Embarrassing to admit, but even a month and a half after the move, I still am unpacking and my apartment is in a state of absolute chaos😲 ...but let's keep that between us, ok? lol.
This brings me to why this is all applicable to the Illustration I made...
This is the first illustration or artwork in general that I have had time to work on since I began all the tasks related to these most recent changes. I think the beginning of October 2020 (it's now March 2021) was my last true and honest opportunity to enjoy some REAL DEAL quality art time. It's seriously been that insane and busy for me, and, quite honestly, is continuing to be just as busy as when I started. I decided last week that enough was enough. I was going to put this moving, spinning circus (if not on pause) then on "slow." I was going to carve out some art time for myself. So I did and today's illustration is the result of that decision; a decision, mind you, that I'll be adapting and integrating into my current hurricane of a schedule if for nothing else, to keep myself happy and calm and SANE. lol. Working on art is probably the only time I'm really happy. It's the most fulfilling part of my life and part of my reflections and ponderings this past year have been focused on how to make it more a part of my life, if not make it my life completely (which I have been working toward doing.) If you are an artist, you know exactly what I mean and what I am getting at when I say that. As Ani Difranco puts it, "Art is why I get up in the morning. My definition ends there. Doesn't seem fair that I am living for something I can't even define." (lyrics from Out of Habit)
Party Monster (20th Century Fox)
So... I decided I'd draw/illustrate something, right? But what? Unfortunately, Illustration Friday is no longer around. The artist/illustrator that created and ran it has transformed that site into a web resource for artists and illustrators to use, which is awesome, but I do miss the community and camaraderie of Illustration Fridays. This leads me to remember that several years ago (though it doesn't feel like it's been that long) I made an Illustration for Illustration Friday that centered around drawing yourself as what you felt like.
I mentioned in the SketchBlog post for that illo a scene from the movie Party Monster (an NYC movie 😀) when all the Club Kids are on this talk show (hosted by John Stamos) and James St. James (played by Seth Green) is dressed up like a Troll. He explains that it's all about self-expression. That your nightlife aesthetic/outfit should reflect not who you are but how you feel. So, "If you feel like a troll, then you should look like a troll. If you have a hunched back just throw some glitter on it, honey, and go dancing." For that illo, I drew myself as a Badger because, at the time, I was feeling like a badger; very cantankerous and irritable and grouchy, and would rather push people than talk to them 😳. I thought that this next illustration should be the same; not necessarily a badger but an expression of how I am currently feeling at this moment.
I follow this astrologer that I like a lot (Amber Khan, The Quietest Revolution). She does monthly tarot readings for each of the zodiac signs. She also has a podcast for the group she started. She talks a lot, in these readings and sometimes on the podcast, about how the Universe (or, god, or goddess, or gods and goddesses, what have you) occasionally checks in with you; taking your temperature so to speak. This is how (the divine however you define it) determines whether you've learned the lesson(s) that you were being tested on at that moment and whether you're ready to move forward and evolve or did you need to go back and redo the test you are currently on (because you haven't learned it, learned from it.) I'm not a religious or even a very spiritual person, but I love this concept. This taking of your spiritual temperature (which could translate into a number of illustrations on its own.) So, thinking back on that badger illo, I decided to share my spiritual temperature, visually and verbally. That seemed to be like a good idea that helps to process my feelings about my current state of things and also allows me to express that in art/illustration, which I was desperately needing to do for my own personal sanity and well-being. I love my cabin but cabin fever can be a real b*tch... just sayin'. If you are into this sort of thing, I recommend you follow her.
So how does Lewis feel right now, huh? Well, I felt like I was simultaneously here and not here, super busy but not really doing anything (that fulfilled me or added to the quality of my happiness or life.) I was still see-sawing back and forth from super anxious to hella-excited, from worried/concerned about my future to absolutely hopeful and reinvigorated... and on and on and on. I am one extreme and then another. I felt both dead yet also undead... not really alive, but yet also existing. A paradox of feelings and physical exhaustion. I felt, well, like a Vampire. I thought it might be fun to illustrate myself as a vampire that was living in a crypt of packed and unpacked boxes; what might be the "vampire" equivalent of "living out of a suitcase." I thought it would be funny to make my little vampire-self a coffin constructed out of empty cardboard boxes. And that whisp of whimsy swept me off on a fun few days of drawing and creating. I only shared the development and work in progress with a few people and one friend pointed out to me that I had created what looked like a city skyline from the stacked boxes. I can not claim that this was intentional. Perhaps it was subconscious. I do love it as an illustrated element that I can't unsee now. I feel like the illo definitely evokes how I have been feeling lately lol. It's a pretty accurate measure of my spiritual temperature in a fun sort of caricature. It's not the entirety of the story, though as they say.
What I also wanted to accomplish here on the SketchBlog today was to "check-in" so speak with all of you, my friends, my fam, my artist colleagues, and kind strangers that find their way to my blog post and are intrigued enough to read it. I know I have been super busy as of late, and there's a pandemic so of course we haven't seen each other (for those I see in person) and there's been a lot of flux in my personal and professional life that has required a lot of my time and attention and still is requiring it. I just wanted to basically bring you all up to speed as to what is going on with me: this little quarantined vampire in his new digs (bwahhahahaha. pun intended. 😉) Amidst all the crazy, I have been trying to enjoy all the little things and certainly am grateful that I'm able to.
Before I let you all go, I wanted to talk about one more thing that has been on my mind recently with this move. I can assume (maybe) that most of you have already seen St. Elmo's Fire, correct? If you have not, I couldn't recommend it more. It's a great film. It stars the notorious Brat-Pack actors in a story of friendship and growing into adulthood and what that actually means to all that characters. It's set in the 80's era of Reaganomics and ambitious/ruthless capitalism which is woven into the story arcs of some of the film's characters. I mention this film because there is a scene near the end of the film which I find to be the most poignant and really speaks to, what I believe, is the heart and central theme of this film. (for those who have not seen the film yet and would not like any spoilers, just scroll past the next paragraph 😉)
*scroll past here*
So the scene I am referencing is the one where Wendy (Mare Winningham) and Billy (Rob Lowe) are in Wendy's new and modest apartment. We can see that Wendy has been painting and setting up her new place by the paint cans, boxes, and the ladder that we can see in the shot. So it's obvious that she has only just moved into her new place. Previously we only see Wendy as an extension of her family, more specifically her overbearing and controlling parents, with which she is living throughout the entire film until we arrive at this very scene. The two characters are having a discussion about their life paths and her new apartment and Wendy proceeds to tell Billy a story about her first night in her very first apartment. She says that she had gotten up in the middle of the night and was hungry. She went into the kitchen and fixed herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she describes it as the "best peanut butter and jelly sandwich" she had ever eaten because it was her kitchen and her apartment. It was her first space that she could claim that was 100% her own. This is really that key theme that resonates with everyone that watches this film. There is a single moment in each of our lives that we can specifically pinpoint. There is this one location and time in each of our lives where we felt autonomous, free, and full of hope. For the first time, we feel like we are ourselves. It's a very visceral and crucially defining moment in our lives. Our St. Elmos Fire moment. Mine took place in a tiny carriage house studio apartment in Savannah, Georgia. It was a very modest dwelling but I will always remember it so fondly because it was really the first place in my life that I felt was mine. It was my space that I paid for on my own. It was freedom. It was quite literally the "best peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I have ever had."
*stop here*
I have been feeling very similarly as of late with the new move, the new apartment, the change in career. It's not exactly the same. I don't feel like I'm newly autonomous for the first time in my life or that this is the first time I felt like I was on my life path as a grown human being, but I do feel free like I did then, in a way. I can't exactly tell you why. Maybe it's because I am in another transition and life transitions feel that way. Perhaps it is because I feel that the actuality of these changes happening right now is bringing me closer to the life path that I envisioned for myself then and that is why I can "feel" the echo of that time in my life. It is a very exciting feeling; a very liberating feeling, indeed. I actually have been feeling happy again, and (embarrassing as it is to admit it to other people, which I don't normally do) I haven't felt free or happy for a long time. To be perfectly honest, I felt like I've lived in a prison for the past decade before I moved to NY. Now I feel like I've been pardoned and am walking out of that prison and into the light, hope, and new possibilities. That excites me and scares me lol. I've been learning how to live in the flux while it's all flux and I'm learning to roll with it. I wanted to share that with you all. My bedside confessions from the cardboard coffin. lol
I'd love to hear what is going on with you all. Where is your spiritual temperature reading right now? Please share below if you are feeling so bold. Also, this weekend would be a good weekend to curl up with some good food and watch St. Elmos Fire, whether it's for the very first time or the millionth time. It's a good weekend to do that. 😉😁 Do a little "check-in" with yourself and see where you are. Are you where you want to be? My love to you all during this rough time in the human experience. We are connected to each other, even when we are apart... Remember that. 💗
Comments
Post a Comment