Long Live the Queen Neferkitti

“Sit here, so I may write you into a poem and make you eternal.” 

― Kamand Kojouri

     Good morning from the desk of my home studio.  I know. I know. Where the hell have I been, right?  I do apologize for being away for so long. A few things have kept me away.  For example, the business of moving states has taken me longer than I had expected to take care of and get settled.  So, activities, such as blogging, just had to wait. Sorry :0(

     There's another reason I have been hesitant to post this particular entry. In all honesty, I finished this piece well over a month or so ago.  It has to do with RumTum and her passing, even if this piece and post are for celebrating her memory, it still is a very deep pool to dip my toe back into let alone to go swimming in, again.  I just wasn't quite ready to revisit her loss in thought let alone words.

So, here we are and here we go...

     The Kojouri quote: I just researched, via google (like everyone else) some quotes, words, thoughts on death and the passing of loved ones.  This quote resonates well with the reasons I made Neferkitti as well as exemplifies the purpose of the illustration.

     For those that aren't within my close circle, RumTum was my cat and dear companion.  A year ago, I had to put her down due to kidney failure disease.  It was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to do but, for obvious reasons, had to be done. It was just her time.

     I recently read this online article , written by a veterinarian, that described what an animal goes through when they are put to sleep.  The vet pleads with the readers that when they are in that terrible and emotionally trying position, to stay in the room with their furry friend.  The vet then heartbreakingly explains that, in those final moments, the animals become very scared and are looking around the room frantically for their person. The vet describes the fear that the animals have in their eyes and the confusion as to why their human has abandoned them in their time of need.  The vet admitted that this experience, in particular, was the worst part of their job. (I provided a link to the article below if you wish to read it. Just click on the photo below.)

     I was in tears as I read this (I'm actually tearing up just writing about it.)  It broke my heart to read it, and I just wept.  I couldn't do anything else.  That article had, within a couple of paragraphs as if it were magic, transported me backward in time.  And there I was, sitting in that examination room of a vet office in South Georgia, holding my poor sick kitty as she transitioned into death. It was as if the preceding year had never happened.  All those feelings I had felt that day came fresh, rushing back; a tidal wave of grief. And, the levee I had built around that memory in my mind, instantly vanished.

     I had stayed in the room with RumTum and I held her as she passed. It wasn't easy, but I didn't want her to die alone. I wanted her to know that I was there with her.  I was crying the entire time, and for days afterward, if I'm being honest.  She had been by my side for 16 years. She finished college with me.  She went through the ups and downs of my twenties with me. She enjoyed the comfort of the stability that your thirties bring to you. She was an old-lady-kitty by that point.  She has been through quite a bit in our journey together. She was my companion, just as much as I was her person.  She had a long and full life. Even with all the ups and downs, it was a good one for her, I think... Well, I hope she felt that way.

     Now that there isn't a dry eye in the room, let's talk about what happens next.  Where do we go from here?  What do we do? How do we move from this place of sorrow? Can we move from this place of heavy heavy so heavy sadness? How do we deal with our grief over this tremendous loss? It seems impossible at first. You feel like there is this empty and suddenly vacant hole in your soul.  Yet, ironically, it's so heavy, and your mind and sometimes your body are not able to budge. Even if you could channel all the strength from every living thing on this planet, it would never be enough to move you from this place. At least it feels that way, at first.

     If you have ever found yourself in that place, firstly, my heart goes out to you. Secondly, eventually someone is going to come along and say to you,"Life  goes on," or something of the like, and all you really want to do is punch that person or persons square in the face... even though they mean well... even if they are right...  maybe especially because they are right.  However, I disagree with how that is usually phrased. I think that you can "move forward" from that sad space, but you don't get to "move on" from it, not really.  If I could have "moved on," as that phrase implies, I wouldn't have been crying, while I read that article, as if RumTum were passing away in my arms all over again. You never move on, in my humble opinion. That's just not the way it works.  However, we do and can find ways to move forward.  This illustration, and the process of creating it (and others that I have plans to work on) are part of my personal journey forward from her passing. I hope in sharing this first leg of that journey with you all that it may provide some comfort if you have experienced or are experiencing the same.

      Most everyone learns the stages of grief from your secondary (high) school's psychology class or an introductory psychology class at a post-secondary school (college/university) or you may have read about it in a leaflet or brochure somewhere.  And, like many things you learn, it just feels like a whole lot of "blah blah blah" until you find yourself going through those stages yourself. For the sake of being thorough, The 7 stages of grief are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing and Acceptance. I have no intention of giving everyone a lesson on the stages of grief, though if you would like to read more on the subject, I have provided a link (Just click on the heart photo above.)  I bring up the stages because this is currently how human beings understand and process loss. Part of this process is our funerary practises.  It's what we do with the physical remains of our loved ones that is more relevant to the where's and why's of my illustration.

     All over the world, each culture or tribe of people honor and respect their dead in such different and intriguing ways (intriguing to me at any rate, morose as that may be. I'm kinda nerdy like that. I'm intrigued by the whats and the hows and the whys of human behavior.) The physical remains of the deceased are either buried or cremated.  Depending on the culture and group of people, the ceremonial act of the funeral largely will vary. Most include prayers and religious rituals.  Some even include erecting a monument in the deceased honor. The ceremonial intent is, of course, to allow the soul to reach the afterlife, resurrection or reincarnation.

     As I have mentioned in previous posts, when it is relevant, I am agnostic.  I don't believe in the definition of deities, I don't believe in deities at all, actually. I feel that there is something greater than ourselves, but I don't think man will ever understand it, and therefore, find a disdain and contempt for man's arrogance to define it (i.e. Gods, Deities, Heavens, Hells, Afterlife's, etc.) No one know what it is and I find the horrors and crimes done to other human beings in the name of such insubstantial mediocre beliefs abhorrent. Sometimes I feel like a borderline atheist.  I don't believe in an afterlife, in a heaven or a hell (however you define such places). I think when you die, you die. Your energy disperses to join other energy elsewhere in the universe and everything just moves on and moves forward. I don't think the consciousness or Soul stays intact. But yet I believe in ghosts... So I'm a mess and an just as uncertain about what happens as everyone else once religions is stripped down to its origin and purpose (to explain the unexplainable). So... Agnostic.

     So part of me believes that RumTum is gone and she only exists in the images I've captured in photographs and in my memory. When she passed, I had her cremated and her remains currently reside in my bedroom window with her baby (a beany dolphin she always carried around since she was big enough to do so,) and a framed photo of her (One of the really sweet ones of her close before the time she passed.)

     A shout out to J & M for the framed photo. It was so kind of you both to give that to me when I was grieving so hard.

     So as you can see, there is a conflict of a belief system right in my own bedroom.  I did the cremation out of practicality because I didn't want to bury her then move from GA to NY and she get left behind (as if she was still around) and I now put her in the window because she loved to sunbathe in windows. She isn't alive anymore, yet I still behave in a way as if she somehow survived her death, as if her spirit is around here somewhere. Yet I don't believe in an afterlife, right?...

     Grief is irrational and our way of dealing with the intensity of our loss is nothing short of the same. Nothing we do from the time that person or animal dies will make logical sense of any kind from the thoughts in our minds to the behaviour we do in regards to that loved one.  Its a wall of irrationality, built brick by brick by our sorrow and by how we process those emotions.

     So, the next day, the day after I took RumTum to the vet and had her put down....
That next day, I had to find a way to deal with and process my emotions.  Most of which amounted to me indulging in vices like alcohol or marijuana to numb the sadness and emptiness I felt inside.  I slept more, withdrew from my normal life and my friends more and sat in and slept in that sadness for a long time.  I can't even pin point the day that my behaviour began to deviate or change and come out of such a deep depression.  My mind either cannot remember or just doesn't want to. I also had another cat, Peanut Butter, who was still very young for a cat, that I needed to take care of as well, so it's not like I could just crawl under a rock and never come out, even if that is exactly what I felt like doing. You cease to be happy about the things that used to make you happy or pleased or joyful.  Everything  that used to shine seemed to just have a dull and weathered patina.  It was as if all the joy and life had been sun-bleached out of the world and the only colors you could see in anymore were the colors of sadness and futility.

This was the last photo of Peanut Butter and RumTum together before RT passed.

     It affected Peanut Butter as well. She was used to always having a living being around her all day in the apartment while I was gone to work (I lived alone at the time except for the cats.) So when RumTum passed, Peanut Butter was alone most of the day and it bothered her to the point that her behaviour became erratic and when I would come home, everyday, she would, of course, be very clinging to me and not let me out of her site. Obviously I didn't mind. I was more or less a zombie for a spell there. The one thing I remember the most from that time is Peanut Butter began to climb into bed with me and cuddle up right beside me, like the little spoon.  This was very new behaviour for her, as in the past she would rarely sleep on the bed and if she did, it was always at the foot or with some distance between me and her ( i roll over side to side in my sleep, so its fair to stay with a distance for safety. lol)

Photo of Patriot by Sara R.

     Without too much discourse veering off into that part of our story, lets just say that Peanut Butter became more and more anxious and my good friend M was trying to prod me into getting PB a new companion. I was still grieving and I was planning to move and finding a place fore one cat in NYC was going to be challenging enough but to move with 2... I though that would not work out well.  To make a long story short, I did end up adopting a very adorable kitten, that I named Patriot, after an old school friend of mine had posted a photo she took of some kittens she was fostering. I brought him home and those two are now the sweetest of friends (most of the time. lol.)  Thanks again to Mostly Mutts for your help during that rough time. You guys are amazing.

     So there is a happy end to the story.  I still was looking for ways to process my feelings for RumTum's passing in a positive and possibly constructive way... So I turned to art therapy. I wrangled up all that sad energy and began herding it into a new direction to be used to create something that would help me move forward.  Not long after, I began thinking of ideas for illustrations that I could work on that would honor her memory and through the process of making, I could lay those anxious and sad feelings to rest.

      So, there is this thing, that when you meet people with babies or with fur-babies that these people will swear to everything on this planet, that their baby or fur-baby is the cutest baby or fur-baby that ever existed... I know you know what I am talking about. And sometimes they are cute and sometimes they aren't, but you just smile warmly and agree just the same whether you agree with their assertion or not. Its a bit annoying but I understand where they are coming from, because RumTum was a very beautiful cat. Her markings were gorgeous and many people remarked about it the same, but, you know, they could have just been smiling warmly lol. Anyway, the favorite of her fur-pattern marks were the ones around her eyes. They appeared as if RumTum was wearing eye makeup, specifically styled like that of Ancient Egyptians.  I swear that I am not the only person that has mentioned that all on their own after meeting her for the first time. It was very distinct and unique to her.  I often called her my Little Egyptian kitty and imagined her being worshiped in Ancient Egypt had she lived then and there.

      It was from this physical characteristic that inspired the series of art-therapy illustrations that I would commence work on at that time.  Queen Neferkitti is the first completed of these works that I work on off and on.

      For obvious reasons, I was only able to work on these pieces here and there because of where I was, emotionally, with RumTum's passing. Granted, the objective of art therapy is to help you cope, but some days I just wasn't able to work on these images or look at photos of RumTum.  I knew that it was OK and that I shouldn't be upset that I couldn't just "troop" through it, and that I didn't want to just "troop" through it. Regardless of whether RumTum was existing on some other metaphysical plain or whether she was just gone plain and simple, I wanted these pieces to be my memorial tribute to her, to the part of her that still existed and might still care about such things; the part of her that lived on in my heart. I wanted them to be the best I could do for her so I knew it was OK to take my time with them. There was no rush or deadline for them. No need for one. Funerals are only for the living after all.

      So, we all know now why I chose to use the art, death rituals and funerary practises  of the Ancient Egyptians as the source of both inspiration and subject material of my tribute illustrations for RumTum.  I was going to draw her as the iconic Egyptian kitty that I teased her that she was in her life.

      This first illustration that you see completed from this series of illustrations is obviously based on the bust of Queen Nefertiti, which was not meant to be part of any funerary rituals or practises for the Queen herself. I will get to the reasons behind selecting this bust as source to parody in a moment. Let's stick a pin in that and briefly discuss what some of those death rituals and practises of the Ancient Egyptians are.

      For the sake of keeping this post at a relatively reasonable length and to spare you a prolonged lesson in Ancient Egyptian funerary practises, I am going to summarize alot of my research for you. You're Welcome.

      The Ancient Egyptians had a very elaborate set of processes for preparing their dead that included protocols of mummification, casting magic spells and burying the remains with "grave goods" that all were intended to ensure that their loved one would have everything they needed in the Egyptian afterlife.  These customs varied largely depending on which part of the the historical timeline you study. Egyptian graves have spanned from shallow pits, to elaborate tombs in side pyramids, to catacombs excavated out of mountainsides to even simple wooden or clay boxes that have spells carved into or painted onto (inside and out.) Grave goods spanned from simply burying tools, weapons or cosmetic tablets (most daily goods) that the interred would need, to creating a palace of rooms that were filled with furniture, statues of honor of the deceased, statues of servants and protectors that magically transformed in the afterlife to servants and protectors the diseased would need, to murals depicting the life that the individual lived and depictions of what they would continue to do in the afterlife. They even included mummified animals, their fur-companions in life, or sacrifices for the gods.  It's sincerely fascinating to read about what the Ancient Egyptians believed and the extent and such great care taken with the preparation and care of their dead, from the tippity top of the power hierarchy that included the Pharaoh and the royal family, the Egyptian nobility, all the way down to the everyday man and woman. Obviously the more wealthy could afford larger tombs and more statues, sacrifices, furniture, jewelry, etc., but everyone was taken care of in some way and had a place in the cities of the dead. I truly admire the reverence displayed for this cultures dead.

      Most of the illustrations that I have planned for RumTums series are a blend of the practises and rituals from my research of Ancient Egypt and blending it with RumTum's life story.  The only exception, kinda sorta, is Queen Neferkitti.

      So why make this specific exception?  Why choose to portray RumTum as this specific queen in this specific way?

Thutmose. Nefertiti Bust. 1345 B.C.

painted stucco on carved limestone

      The answer lies within the history and story of the Queen herself and also the history of what this bust of Nefertiti has come to represent culturally. Lets begin with the bust itself.  It was created in 1345 B.C. by the sculptor Thutmose. It was found within his workshop by German archeologist Ludwig Borchardt in the an archaeological expedition in 1912. Brochardt brought the bust back to Germany along with other artifacts and the bust has passed hands from private collectors to museums ever since.  She currently resides at the Neues Museum in Berlin, German (totally on my bucket list to go see her in person.) She truly is a beautiful and remarkable thing to behold with the eyes.  She is carved limestone at her core with layers of painted stucco covering it. Her iconic crown, elegant and elaborately detailed floral necklace, flawless make up, and serpentine-like elongated slender neck all combine to make her truly the visually striking treasure she undoubtedly is. Brochardt writes in his diary about his discovery of her,"Suddenly we had in our hands the most alive Egyptian artwork. You cannot describe it with words. You must see it." She has become an iconic national treasure to both German and Egypt. She simultaneously represents the cultural identities of 2 very different countries. No other work of art can boast that. Nefertiti is celebrated like a monarch in both countries respectively. The bust's visage has also been featured on one of Germany's national postage stamps. Her residency continues to remain in German due to Egypt's,"continued friendly relations with the country of Germany."  I sometimes wonder, if Nefertiti could see how her reign has expanded in such an unusual way, how she would have felt about it.

      The purpose of the bust has been a subject of controversy among historians ever since it's discovery.  The most popular held belief is that the bust was meant to be a reference tool that the sculptor would sculpt official royal portraits from.  Because of the missing left eye, it was also thought to be used as a teaching aid for the sculptor's students/apprentices.

Unknown Artist. Nefertiti worshiping the Aten.

limestone relief

      You may be wondering who exactly was Queen Nefertiti and why do people make such a big deal about her.  Nefertiti was an Egyptian queen and royal consort to Amenhotep IV (later to be known as Akhenaten.) They had six daughters, one that became queen to Tutankhamen (Ankhesenpaaten.)  The Royal couple are known most for transforming Egypt's religion from a polytheistic religion (faith, belief and worship of many gods) to a henotheistic religion (acknowledging the existence of more than one god but only worshiping one single god.) Under the rule of Akhenaten and Nefertiti, Egypt worshiped the god Aten, the sun disc, aspect god to Ra but then deified by the royal couple. They moved the capital of Egypt from Thebes to Akhetaten (modern Amarna) as part of this religious conversion. It is there that Amenhotep IV and Nefertiti hence forth became known as Akenaten and Neferneferuaten-Nefertiti. It was a name change to emphasize the important rise of the cult of Aten.

      Nefertiti also is notable by the possible reign as the second female pharaoh after her husband's death.  In the earliest depictions of Nefertiti, she is represented in the normal fashion a wife and royal consort to a pharaoh would be depicted; standing behind him or visually in subjugation to him. Over the course of time she was elevated to the level of pharaoh in her representation. It is theorized by many scholars that she was elevated to the status of co-regent by her husband before his death. She was depicted in many archaeological sites as equal to a king (i.e. smiting Egypt's enemies, riding in a chariot and worshiping Aten in the manner of pharaoh.)  At this time, Nefertiti's name is replaced in historical record by the name Neferneferuaten, who becomes a female pharaoh. Some scholars theorize that Nefertiti fashioned herself similarly to the previous female pharaoh, Hatshepsut, in  that she dressed and disguised herself as a man to elevate her daughter Meritaten to the role of Great Royal Wife to consolidate her power as ruler. It is also theorized that she became a guiding influence to the young Tutankhamen as her daughter was promised to be his queen.  It is also proposed that, as pharaoh, Nefertiti did a bit of damage control by moving the capital back to Thebes and restoring Egypt to a polytheistic society once more. These are only theories and much is based on circumstantial evidence. However, it's a version of the story I happen to like very much. It sounds like something right out of a Shakespeare play. It would be interesting for a modern playwright to take on this subject and bring this era of Nefertiti's rule to today's stages.

Still from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

copyright Warner Bros.

      Though, it is likely that Nefertiti's fame originates only because of the discovery and beauty of her portrait bust. In other words, the world may have not shown as much interest in discovering more about this historical leader of Egypt's past had this work of art never come to light.  Which ever way it pans, it is undeniable as to why Queen Nefertiti has become such an icon of both feminine power and beauty.  She is a titanic historical role model for women of all ages to look up to and to admire.  Her life shows that of true greatness.  It is for this very reason that I wanted the first illustration in my tribute series to RumTum to be a reflection of this great woman, this brilliant queen.  I know it's ridiculous to think, but I liked to imagine that there was a little sliver of Queen Nefertiti living inside of RumTum, almost like a Horcrux ( for all my fellow HP fans out there) except she didn't have to murder anyone. The belief of reincarnation was important in Egyptian culture, so it isn't really too far off base to indulge in such a fantasy. Whether she is a reincarnated soul from the ancient times of Egypt, RumTum was definitely a queen to me and I loved her dearly. So I chose to illustrate her as one of the most iconic and powerful queens from that world.

      The transformation is mostly obvious. I blended the portraits of RumTum and Nefertiti together by employing certain visual characteristics found in both queens. I went through several stages of sketches over the course of time before arriving at THE ONE that was absolutely perfect. I expiramented with how flat I may want it or how much of the Egyptian influence I wanted, etc.  So, the bust of Nefertiti is obviously a 3-dimensional object that can be viewed from all angles. My illustration would obviously be 2-dimensional and the view of the portrait would only be seen from one angle (because I'm not a cubist, even if I am intrigued by images from the cubist painters.)  I chose to have the portrait in profile as the profile visually conveys power. It was a visual strategy not only employed in Egyptian art but throughout the history of art.  I blended my personal visual style with that of the sculpture's. I extended RumTum's neck to echo that of the Nefertiti bust. I included Nefertiti's iconic crown and made sure to emphasize RumTum's fur pattern markings, Particularly around the eye.  She always looked like she was wearing Egyptian eye make up in the form of the Wadjet Eye. The Wadjet Eye, also known as the eye of Horus (the sky god,) became a very import Egyptian symbol.  It was manufactured into amulets, painted in makeup around the eyes, as well as used in several hieroglyphs as a symbol that meant "one who does." It would be fitting that RumTum had the eye of Horace around her eye as she did quite a bit within her lifetime. Not a bad run for a kitty from the streets, I say. lol.  Her fur patterns also echo the floral necklace on Nefertiti bust. I intentionally did not draw the necklace on her as I thought the fur patterns could imply it and I didn't want it to seem like RumTum dressed up in a Nefertiti costume (I did do one sketch with the necklace just to see how I liked it... I didn't.)  I wanted to imply a fusion, a connection between the two. I specifically used only handmade papers in the color of the illustration for two reasons. First, I thought the texture and tactile quality would echo the era of time it was partially representing. Also, it felt more like papyrus and other papers that would have obviously been handmade during that time. It was important to me to carry the concept and subject of the illustration into the materials I used, especially since digital tools are part of my creative process.  The papers also brought a more accurate color scheme that was appropriate to art from Ancient Egypt. [Thanks D for keeping me on track with that ;0)]

      This illustration is only the beginning of several that I have planned. The others that will follow over the coming years will deal more specifically with Egyptian funerary practises and even some that will deal with hieroglyphs (which I'm looking forward into diving into.)  I'm not in any hurry to complete them all and I don't think that I will ever be "done" with the series, because my heart and it's memory of RumTum will never really be "done."  Grief is an ongoing process. We never really "get over" the loss of loved one's in our lives. The ever growing realization and reality of our own mortality looms within our feelings of loosing others as well. Someday are obviously better than others and I don't mean we will always be emotional wrecks that are debilitated by our sorrow and tears.  But we always will think about those we love and care about even after we loose them.  They truly do live on in our hearts and as long as I'm alive, part of RumTum always will be also.  I will continue to make tributes to her along the way.  This first tribute has helped me tremendously along my own personal path of grief and I am grateful for it.  I wish she could see this portrait somehow.  I wonder what she would think of it.  I wonder if she would like it.  As I stated previously,  I don't know if there is an afterlife, but dreaming about the possibility of one from time to time and exploring the world of the Ancient Egyptian belief system has certainly been a comfort and an adventure.

      I apologize for the intense nature of this post. Loss and grief are difficult and challenging. They aren't the most joyous of subjects to discuss or transform into art. But art is the expression of the artist, their feelings, their beliefs, and their experiences.  Not every experience is a pleasant one, but hopefully through the creative process, the action of making the art can help you through it. It certainly helps me through some of my own dark hours in life.

      I leave you all with an encouragement to do something this week for yourself.  Some self care never hurt anybody, and it's important to care for and love who you are. So do that. I also implore you to connect with someone you love and care about, whether this is another important human or a furry companion in your life.  Cherish them in a special way this week. You never know when it will be the last time you get to. Hugs and much love for each and every one of you.

As always,

Keep sketching, keep thinking, keep laughing and most important of all, 

keep making art.

Cheers,

LEWIS